My heart is tired, but I need some God Word. I open to the front page. “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty”…. just they way I feel today. Formless and Empty. Too many days on end with adrenalin flowing rapid and regular, acid dumping into my being from the constant crisis of life. A son sick for seven months off and on. A mass of bones, his 10 year old form curled yet again in a ball with the pain of taking in small amounts of fluids and the few foods he tries to swallow. Months of testing. Still the pain. Our dog, a solid member of our family for almost 15 years, he’s dying, and slow. Our 10 year old in sobs telling me “Mommy, it says in the Bible that where two or more are together, God’s Spirit is. Me and Shawnie are together”. Holding him. Telling him God’s Spirit will not leave when Shawnie passes. Through salty streaks along his tormented face, he tells me he wishes he could go with Shawnie. Hot tears. No words. Husband’s job yanked here, than there. Where we will be next year, no one knows. No affordable school for our son if we don’t move. My business still floundering. Our college kids needing so much we are unable to give, like time and being present. Our five year old Butterfly like a trooper trying not to need much, but is missing the luxury of stories, coloring pages with Momma, planting flowers in the yard. The stress robbing me of my kids, robbing me of self care beyond basic cleanliness and nutrients. Sitting up straight becomes impossible. So disconnected I feel from my body, a tired brain with a sloppy appendage called me, that’s the state of my being at the moment. I’ve run out of fuel. My gauge on empty.
“…and darkness covered the deep waters.” Couldn’t have said it better. I have not one ounce left to give. Darkness so deep I can’t sleep when night comes. Restlessness and exhaustion, all at once.
“And the Spirit of God hovered over the waters.” God. He arrives. The scene an isolating place. Then he comes near. He hovers. With determination, I sneak away today, thinking I’ll manage a quick swim. Call after call to this doctor, that vet, to the pharmacy, the grocery store to pick up some things that sick boy’s stomach might tolerate. By the time I get to the parking lot of the pool I just sit there and stuff down a bag of chips I bought for the family, half reclining, half sitting … just flopped exhausted, no strength to even get myself in the locker room, let alone swim, Key in ignition, I drive toward home.
But I’ve met him there before, Spirit God. Near the water. Early morning run along river, slowing, stopping for a moment of stillness to feel His Spirit power surround me. I’ve felt His Spirit as I ran in rain, mud streaks up my legs, rain dripping off chin, I have felt Him there, Him seeing me, and loving me, we run together in that water place. I’ve felt Him near-by as I wash the dishes. The water pushing aside heavy suds before laid down to dry on towel white. God’s Spirit has healed me in pool water, the anxiety I’ve known before, anxiety that has managed to keep me fearful – until 30 minute laps in ugly swim cap creates a calm in me. His Spirit in pool water also chased away excess fat that did not belong to my form. Water for tea, His Spirit in water has flowed through my cells and given strength to body. Water showers for washing. Water in eyes that keep dryness away, water in and throughout me. I’m made of many parts water, and bits of other stuff. God’s Spirit weaves Himself into this life. I feel formless and empty with the stress of life. But I’m not. God Spirit hovers near, in the deepest darkness He hovers.
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God hovered over the surface of the water” Genesis 1: 1-2