“In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty”
…. that’s how I feel today.
Formless and Empty.
Too many days on end with adrenalin flowing rapid and regular, acid dumping into my being from the constant crisis of life. A son sick for seven months off and on now. A mass of bones, his 10-year-old form curled yet again in a ball — with the pain of taking in small amounts of fluids and the few foods he’s able to take in, months of testing. Still the pain.
Our dog –
really a solid member of our family is dying, and slow.
Our 10-year-old in sobs telling me “Mommy, it says in the Bible that where two or more are together, God’s Spirit is. Me and Shawnie are together”. Holding him — comforting him. Telling him God’s Spirit will not leave when Shawnie passes. Through tear-drenched face, tells me he wishes he could go with Shawnie.
Husband’s job yanked here and there.
No school for our son next year.
My business still floundering.
Our college kids needing what am unable to give, like time and being present.
Our five-year-old Butterfly like a trooper trying not to need much, but is missing the luxury of stories, coloring pages with Momma, planting flowers in the yard.
The stress robbing me of my kids, robbing me of self-care beyond the basics. Sitting up straight – impossible.
So disconnected I feel from my body, a tired brain with a sloppy appendage called me, that’s the state of my being at the moment.
I’ve run out of fuel.
My gauge is on empty.
“…and darkness covered the deep waters.”
Couldn’t have said it better. I have not one ounce left to give. No sense of who I am. Darkness so deep I can’t sleep when night comes. Restlessness and exhaustion, all at one time.
“And the Spirit of God hovered over the waters.”
….and some isolating place.
God comes near,
just stays near.
With determination, I sneak away today, thinking I’ll manage a quick swim. Call after call to this doctor, that vet, to the pharmacy, the grocery store to pick up some things that maybe sick boy’s stomach can tolerate. By the time I get to the pool parking lot — there I sit -and stuff down a bag of chips I bought for the family, half reclining, half sitting up… just flopped exhausted, no strength to even get myself in the locker room, let alone swim, I head home.
But I’ve met him there before, Spirit God.
Near the water.
Early morning run along river
stopping for a moment of stillness
for taking in His Spirit power that surrounds me
alongside powerful river.
I’ve felt His Spirit —
ran in rain
mud streaks up my legs
rain dripping off chin-
I have felt Him there
Him seeing me
-we run together in that water place.
I’ve felt Him nearby as I wash the dishes.
The water pushing aside heavy suds before
on dry on towel white.
God’s Spirit has healed me in pool water, healed the anxiety I’ve known before, anxiety that has managed to keep me fearful — until 30-minute laps in ugly swim cap, and I’m all calm and intact. His Spirit in pool water also chased away excess fat that did not belong to my form. Water for tea, His Spirit in water has flowed through my cells and given strength to my body.
Water showers for washing.
Water in eyes that keep dryness away, water in and throughout me.
I’m made of many parts water, and bits of other stuff.
God’s Spirit weaves Himself into the life of me.
I might feel formless and empty with the stress of life.
But I’m not.
God Spirit hovers near, despite the depth of darkness.
For water is everywhere.
“In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was formless and empty, and darkness cored the deep waters. And the Spirit of God hovered over the surface of the water” Genesis 1: 1–2