This past year has felt like running a race in a rainstorm, in deep mud, up a hill with large family on my back, wearing shoes loosing their souls, kind of half way attached and flapping. It started out with determination. We had completely rid ourselves of consumer credit debt, and somehow managed to hunt it back down and take it on. While taking on more shifts than I should have taken on, between the two of us, my husband and I cleared the debt just in time for me to get breast cancer. Then a year after breast cancer and changing my career for health reasons, our debt doubled as we had two kids in college, and I was diagnosed with cancer again, thyroid this time.
Today my drummer friend stopped by. We had worked with the same band a few years back. He had left his music stand behind, and was finally stopping to pick it up. His booming voice greeted me. I was able just barely to scratch out his name. Throat lump, memories of the last time we worked together. No cancer then, singing jazz standards for the big band he played for. Singing. Can’t even speak a solid word.
Today the sun shines warm, an early springtime day. The kind of day I would have loved to hit the trail with bike and trailer, kids and husband, lunch and water and …. a day to track miles and sweat. And I walk across the floor, heart races, pains at too fast a movement. Limbs jiggle, all tone gone, and ache.
Today All Mr. Business is sick. He’s been fevered. He lays around listless. Cheeks pink, eyes glazed, and miserable. I know the past couple weeks has taken a tole on my kids. Our dear friends have worked hard to love our children. Regardless of the loving care from others, the kids stress level and health has been harmed from the angst brought on by my surgery, then the emergency surgery hours after.
In dozens of ways, life is not the same.
And so I paint my toes purple. That’s the color Little Miss chooses for my toes. I make a smoothie. The kids ask for one. I’m the designated smoothie maker, and feel strong enough to stand in the morning kitchen to make sweet and fluffy. I sit on couch and watch the kids play Sequence and argue over rules. I visit with my Mom awhile. And think about what I miss out on when my voice is strong. When my biking legs are able. When I can work shift after shift, clocking 60 hours in a week, can hurry scurry about the house to do the the things the kids need of a Momma. And purple toes get another coat. A deeper purple. And the rainstorm race is calming down for now. I plod with purple toes and give thanks.