Yesterday I thought I might try to publish some of my work. And I say so. Out loud. As would have it, yesterday left not a minute for writing. A weekend day filled to the brim with everything but. Worried husband at the very mention of the thing has visions of our lives falling into shredded bits. The kids suddenly are very needy. As are numerous unmentioned others. There is dinner to make, a friend I’ve promised to call. The dirty house, the eternally corrupted place of living, reaching to me, wanting more and still more. Hurriedly, I do what I can, hoping. Kids, finally kissed goodnight, I rush through my own bedtime busyness, still in hopes of quiet space for writing. And alas, it’s bedtime – Adored husband reminds me of this fact as I move toward overstuffed writing chair. In bed, I lay still. Very much awake, mind spinning with the things paper and I might say. I behave myself. I don’t slide out of bed the way I want to, to a lonely laptop. Adored Husband might stir, and even if he doesn’t, tomorrow is full. I need sleep.
Today I wake to the early dawn alarm. The daily race, it rushes me. Leaving College Girl and Butterfly sleeping, I ready myself for an hour at the pool where our son swims for a team, and where I swim with Mom. Out of pool, showered and ready for the day, together we hurry toward home, Mom and Son and I. Gulp down a breakfast, hugs and kisses to Butterfly, still sleepy she has meandered down the stairs – all decked out in a tinkerbell tutu.
Goodbyes said, I make my way back to the track where I walk with my clients. Walk and talk, that’s what we do. Step and then another and another. 7.5 miles my dusty shoe tread takes me round the track. I listen to the happenings of the week, shame and fear, days past, strengths gained, tears, rage, numb and steps we take together. Hour after hour we move across the earth, warm and bright today. The last hour, is overcast, with sputters of rain, and still we walk. All hours filled with life raw for healing.
Last client seen, I make my way toward the thrift store for sharing 5 bags of books, clothes and toys that hoard space in the backseat of my kid-mobile. Home again, Butterfly and Grandma have made peanut butter cookies. All Mr. Business is listening to an old Spike Jones song – and loud. Laughing, he plays it one more time for me. I laugh. Write. How am I to write? A few minutes for hearing the happenings of the day, knock on door, neighbor-kiddo’s face peeks through door glass – the stampede and they’re off to play.
Oh, my chance. A minute to steal. Here I sit, stolen moment, and all is blank. Of all the inner tuggings to write, it’s gone. Nothing. Too tired to be angry or hopeless, just numb. Blob on couch with screen and keys. The only thought that comes to me is a question. How clean, I wonder, is a writer’s house? House of working Mom who writes? And I remember the grand writing projects that form when I’m in motion.
piling them high in wheelbarrow for hauling away
painting a chair
The best of both worlds. Dig into the ever-reaching house until I’m inspired, and like a hot potato, drop it all to write without ceasing until the beauty unearthed by some grand cleaning frenzy has taken shape on paper. Then back to daily tasks again for the next gathering of rich and lovely heart things to tell about.
The family, they will survive. They will become accustom to the rhythm of the exchange. With hopes high, I spring off Seat of Nothingness – rush to the pantry to grab a paper bag and two for filling. Piling high. Higher. Tap shoes, plaid shirts, engineering books, games, tupperware lids without a use. Haul step by heavy step down the stairs, out into the car where they will be rushed off for sharing.
That’s it! Scouring and scrubbing, purging the shelves, chopping for soup pot, folding mounds of wearing things, no longer in the way of writing at all. These tasks are a petri dish of the best of discoveries. A greenhouse where the bud of good writing blossoms. Routine motion in exchange for deep and profound thought.
Our agreement. Writing, Mother Tasks and I.