This prayer to God was written by a beautiful survivor of the most hideous of abuse. It’s a real prayer to God. I’m posting this with her permission as I think we all need to challenge preconceived ideas about what a proper prayer looks like, and assumptions about people unable to imagine a loving God. The God I worship wept. He welcomes honesty. Even of the rawest form. Thank you Trinity for allowing me to share your letter.
I so long for a Father figure,
someone to gently love me without abuse,
without conditions, without fear of judgment.
You, God are suppose to be my ultimate Father,
on one side, I still so desperately long for your affections, your love,
and at times I see glimpses of that in the children you’ve place in my life,
through other people,
through the promises in your Word.
But lately there is this other side,
this darkness within me that rages at you
and doesn’t understand how you have a plan for my life,
or that you care about the broken hearted.
A part of me that see you no differently than I view my abuser,
as a monster,
because only a monster would allow children to be abused,
would allow my own parents to crave drugs so bad that selling me,
their youngest child,
was like selling a used shirt at a yard sale,
something you don’t think twice about.
And then you create me to need love and attention,
the very things that got me hurt in the first place!
Why would I come running to you?!!
You didn’t protect me,
you sure as hell didn’t stop the bastards that used me like trash for years.
If you want me to truly trust you God,
you’ve got to break the wall down,
because it’s high and thick and not coming down without some serious work on your part.
I’m tired of praying to what seems like thin air,
only to battle the demons within me so much more.
You say you’re a healer and you heal the broken hearted.
Where’s the healing???
When does it come?
When do I get release from the monsters of mental illness?
The hell and torture of PTSD?
The little Trinity needs her Abba Father,
but the adult me wants to never let you close to her.
I need some answers, God
if we are going to work together to heal little Trinity.
Written by Trinity